Developing an Unshakable Self-Relationship: Where to start

I remember the day like it was yesterday. My past, present, and possible future flash before my eyes. Easter 2010, that sudden moment of realization hit me like a punch to the gut. Until this point in my life, I was an angry, depressed, sad woman. I dreaded getting up in the mornings. The thought of facing another day was irritating. I was always exhausted. 

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I hated the woman in the mirror. Every day she reminded me of my past failures. She reminded me of all the things I could have done differently. She convinced me that I was a burden to my family. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or strong enough; I was never enough for her. People hesitated to approach me. And if I'm being completely honest with you, a part of me liked knowing that my harsh, uncalled-for verbal lashings didn't go unnoticed.

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My relationships with myself, my family, and my life were in shambles. My husband, our three children, all under five, and I lived in my mom's basement. I didn't work, and my husband jumped from temp job to temp job. We filed for bankruptcy at only twenty-two years old. We relied on the state for medical and food assistance. We didn't have a vehicle and seemed to always be on a scavenger hunt for loose change.

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Easter afternoon, I walked past the living room where my little ones surrounded Grandpa, watching something on his tablet. My four-year-old daughter ran up to me, yelling, "Mommy, you on Grandpa's T.V. Come see! Come see mommy!" I ignored her. I had chores to finish. My daughter started to cry, begging me to watch. 

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I agreed to watch the memories captured from earlier that day so she would stop crying. I walked over to the loveseat, plopped down with an annoyed sigh, and then pulled my daughter onto my lap. I didn't want to watch. I couldn't stop thinking of all the other things I would rather be doing, and God knows, I didn't want to see myself in a recording. I was looking away from the tablet but could see it playing out of the corner of my eye.

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Something caught my attention. I held my breath as I watched in disbelief. 

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My 4-year-old daughter stood behind me with her arms outreached. She was holding a colorful Easter egg she had created just for me the night before. "Mommy, I made this for you! Mommeee. Mommy! I MADE THIS FOR YOU!" My back was to her and the rest of my family. I was standing at the kitchen sink washing a few dishes by hand. 

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I know myself well enough to know that I was thinking things like, "Why do I have to do everything? Can't they see these dishes in the sink? Without me, this house would be a mess! Is this all that I'm good for? Because I have to take care of everything and everyone, I never get to do what I want." 

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I remember that with every passing thought, irritation, and anger built up in my body. I know that it was the pitch of Summer's voice that tipped me over the edge. I couldn't ignore her anymore. 

I watched myself tip. In one motion, I turned around, smacked the egg out of Summer's tiny hands, and yelled, "I DON'T CARE! I DON'T WANT IT!!" Then I turned my back to her again to finish the dishes. 

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The colored egg hit the oven door and burst, falling in pieces around Summer's little feet. She looked up at me and paused before looking at the crumbled egg. She kneeled to pick up the pieces of her special artwork. She held the broken bits of the egg in her hands. She kissed them, then whispered something.

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My eyes were wide, and my breath was still as I watched. I didn't hear what Summer had whispered, and I needed to know! I was about to turn the volume up on the tablet just as she turned to walk out of the kitchen. As she passed the recording tablet, she said in a shaky, small voice,

 "It's okay. Grammy says... mommy loves me."

My heart dropped, and my throat tightened. "Wait!" I thought, "Grammy says...mommy loves me?" When was the last time I told my kids I loved them? When was the last time I played with them? When was the last time I took them to the park? I didn't know. At this moment, I realized everything I did for my family felt like a chore. Life felt like a chore. I just wanted to get through the day. I felt so far away from happy.

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I was heartbroken and confused. For years I fought to be happy. I followed my mom's advice. 

"Make sure your husband and kids are happy, and then you'll be happy." I did what others suggested.

 "Don't complain. Be grateful. Just smile. Don't talk about the bad stuff. That's how you live a happy life."

 I once tipped the scale at 300 pounds. I thought, "If I lose the weight, then I'll be happy!" I released half my body weight. This wasn’t the answer either. 

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All I could think was, "How did this happen? "How do I fix this? How do I change? Then, four options came to mind.

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The first option was to tell my family I was going to the store, then run away and start life over again on my own. 

The second option was suicide- this was a frequent thought. 

The third was to wait for things to get better. Wait for my husband to get a good job, for our own home and everything I wanted but didn't have. 

Or lastly, I could change.

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These thoughts had come to my mind before. I always chose to wait for things to change. But this time, something was different. I was aware of a subtle voice buried underneath the whirling of my intrusive thoughts. 

This gentle voice was asking for ME to change. 

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I didn't know how to change. I didn't know where to start. I didn't even know if it was possible for me. I only knew the little voice was right. I wanted to be the thing that changed.

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‍In the chaotic dance of life where external pressures often steal the spotlight, a relationship begs for your attention. You crave it, yet avoid it. It's a complicated dance of joy and discomfort, freedom and suffering. It shapes the narrative of your life, influencing your happiness, connection with others, and your overall sense of worth. 

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Self-relationship- it's one of the most avoided and misunderstood relationships we have. A staggering 85% of people of all ages struggle with low self-esteem, as reported by Psychology Today. 

The dictionary defines self-esteem as "a confidence and satisfaction in oneself: Self-Respect." 

It's the bedrock of your personal values, beliefs, and limitations. A stagnant self-relationship doesn't just stop at low self-esteem; it extends its reach into anxiety, depression, dependence, and burnout.

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Easter 2010 was the year I rebuilt my relationship with myself and my life. One of my first breakthroughs was realizing I had become a professional Olympic runner. Not the kind with the special shoes, little shorts, and record time to beat–the type that runs from themselves to avoid and escape the discomfort of being in their body and mind. The challenge was, everywhere I went, there I was.

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Hour by hour, minute by minute, you exist in the company of yourself. The quality of this companionship paints the canvas of your life journey. Your relationship with yourself is the lens through which you experience the world.

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As a Self-Relationship Breakthrough Mentor, I have worked with hundreds of women with a vision they feel called to create and fulfill. They know they can do better and are frustrated that they aren't. They come to me when they are done tolerating getting in their own way and are ready to align with their desires.

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Your personal and spiritual growth journey begins with a conscious self-relationship and healthy self-esteem. This blog post is one of a series of four. In this series, my goal is to provide both insights and practical exercises to help you rebuild or do some maintenance on your relationship with yourself and your life journey.

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I once heard this analogy- "You can take someone who is addicted to drugs to a rehab center and help them recover and heal. However, if you return them to the environment before rehab, they will likely relapse.” Our thoughts are our environment. If they don't change, neither will your experience. For true, lasting change, we must pause and turn our attention inward. 

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You can't talk about Self-relationship without talking about thoughts. Our minds are perpetual storytellers, and the stories they create shape our reality.

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Awareness is the first step in changing your relationship with yourself. 

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Exercise: Journaling

Start a self-reflection journal. Are you your own cheerleader or your harshest critic? Without judgment and through the eyes of curiosity, take note of any negative self-talk you have throughout the day. 

• Notice and note how the thought made you feel. 
• How did you see yourself in your mind?
• How did you behave as a result of having that thought? 

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In the next post, I will share a secret to upgrading your relationship with yourself that will feel like magic! People will wonder what the heck you're taking and how they can get some of it too!

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