Developing an Unshakable Self-Relationship: Blueprint

Let's be honest: making the decision that you are going to change sounds nice in the heat of the moment and on paper. That's it. Anywhere else, change can be confusing, uncomfortable, and hard. Change requires courage and a willingness to step into an unknown version of yourself, an unknown reality, and demands that you build a conscious relationship with an invisible world. Your inner world. Thought. Imagination. Beliefs.

Now, when I started my journey of change, I found myself asking myself, “Why do I keep getting stuck?”

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If you read my last blog, the first one in this series of four, you know I was angry and unsatisfied with myself and my life. Every day, I thought about my past and how I wished it would have been- instead of how it was. 

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Every day, I thought about how I failed and why I wasn't good enough. I thought I was a lousy mother, wife, daughter, and person and that I was a burden to my family. They MUST believe and feel the same way I felt about myself, right? 

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I thought about how people must think I wasn't trying hard enough because I should be able to get everything done without a struggle. Every thought I had about myself and my life was destructive and critical.

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Did you catch all that? Thought. Thought. Thought. Oh, the power of thought!

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All day long, I listened to a story my thoughts told me about who I was and the meaning of my life. I didn't talk back. I just listened and accepted the ideas as true. But here's what I didn't know…

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• Whenever you have a thought, you activate your imagination. 
• Your imagination plays the thoughts back to you in pictures or movies in your mental theater.  
• Your body produces emotions to match the images and movies playing in your imagination. 
• How you feel affects and directs your behavior.
• Your behavior produces a result or outcome that we call our reality.

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Hard pause for a moment. Let's talk about the relationship between the imagination and emotions.

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 Emotion is Energy in Motion.

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Imagine that the image or movie in your imagination is a blueprint for something you are going to build, like a house. Building that house will require physical energy. Your thoughts create the plans, and the plans use energy. 

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Every time I saw myself in my imagination, I saw myself incapable. I saw my life as hard. I saw myself as a screwup. I saw myself as unattractive and unhealthy. I saw myself having arguments and problems. I imagined people making fun of me and talking poorly about me. All these images in my imagination told my body to produce the energy required to build that version of me. The more I thought about and imagined these ideas, the more accurate they seemed. Because I felt like they were true, I behaved as though they were. My body was producing energy that mirrored my character in my mind. 

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I had to change the way I thought about ME. Stella Adler, an actress and acting teacher, taught that, 

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“the use of imagination is more effective than relying solely on personal experiences and emotional memory.”

 So, I grabbed my journal and wrote out a character description of the version of myself I wanted to become. It went something like this:

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"I value myself and my life."

"I am confident."

"I enjoy exercising to keep my body and mind strong."

"I enjoy reading because I like to learn."

"I keep the promises I make to myself because it feels good to trust myself."

"I respect myself."

"I am a beautiful person inside and out."

"I am a woman of integrity."

"I communicate with presence and purpose."

"I am capable, willing, and determined."

"I love spending quality time with my children, husband, family, and friends."

"I love to laugh."

"I love trying new things."

"I challenge myself to grow by setting goals."

"I am loved."

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When I committed to writing about this version of myself every morning, an image of her would build in my imagination. It was as though I was stepping into her. My posture would change. My face would relax into a soft smile. I held my head up. I felt strong and capable. I genuinely felt like I was her. 

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My body didn't know that the image in my mind wasn't "real." It simply responded to my thoughts and imagination, causing me to feel as though it was my reality. 

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The way I desired to feel about myself became real when I thought about her and imagined her in my mind first.

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Even though writing in my journal every morning for five to ten minutes was easy, it was just as easy not to do it. I had to WAKE UP and be PRESENT with myself and AWARE of every decision I made. By saying “yes” to one thing, I was automatically saying “no” to something else. I wanted to ensure I was saying “yes” and “no” to the things that supported my desires. 

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In the beginning, it wasn't easy to think of new, supportive thoughts automatically because it was a habit for me to think of thoughts that made me feel awful. In fact, at times, it seemed like my mind was louder than before. My ego, the part of me that didn't want anything painful from the past to happen again, tried to convince me that I had messed up too many times and that I was a fool for thinking I could be different. "AVOID HURT!" it shouted at me. 

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My primal brain, the part of the human brain whose job is to keep me safe and alive, came up with thoughts to keep me far away from the unknown. It told me that I really didn't need to change. It was much easier if I just waited for change to happen, and after all, life really isn't that bad. I will be okay continuing what I'm familiar with. "Stay the same. It’s predictable!"

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But my heart was motivating me to keep going, reminding me why this journey was important to me now and not later. My heartbeat, "YOU ARE CAPABLE."

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When I'm speaking or training for a group, I ask four volunteers to give a visual demonstration of these thoughts twirling around. I have one volunteer who is willing to share their goal out loud and stand in the center of the stage. Then, I have one volunteer represent the ego thoughts—thoughts of past failures, avoiding potential humiliation and failure. One represents the primal thoughts—stay comfortable, the familiar is safer, avoid the unknown. And one represents the heart's thoughts—encouragement and support.

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These three volunteers walk in a circle around the volunteer in the center of the stage while simultaneously saying things the ego, primal, and heart thoughts would say–while the volunteer in the center is stating her goal out loud. This demonstration generates laughter and a genuine connection among the participants. Everyone realizes they can relate to this experience, accepting that they are not alone in this challenge.

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 Buddha said,

‍"The mind is everything. What you think- you become." 

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A powerful, energetic experience happens between your thoughts and your reality.

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TRY THIS:

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Give yourself five to ten minutes to think about the version of yourself you would like to become. Then, write about that version of you. Create this character in your mind and describe them. See how doing this changes the way you feel. 

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Experiment with the time of day you do this writing exercise. Does it feel more effective and powerful in the morning, afternoon, or before bed? You could do it twice daily, once in the morning and a refresher in the afternoon or before bed. 

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In the next blog, I will share how you can activate your “secret genie” and develop radiant confidence.

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"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. 

Watch your words, for they become actions. 

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny." – Unknown